When I started the new year (breh, I can’t believe it’s April already) I named it the year of the bounce back. I walked up and down my soapbox on how we would join forces to recover from all the things 2016 stole from us. All those disappointments and failures. And while I had good intentions, I realized one soul-snatching epiphany – I don’t have anything to bounce back from.
Honestly, truly…I’ve never committed to myself long enough to see me win long term.
What Had Happened Was…
On January 1, 2017 I still wasn’t doing what I was supposed to. My entire life has been a battle with procrastination, why me’s, did that really just happen? and whew, I barely made it.
The truth is I’ve done some great things. But they were more out of luck than out of intention. The mere thought of hustling made my heart beat a thousand times. Was I cut out for this?
When I started to look at where I wanted to be and where I was, I realized how much talk I had been doing. In the best effort I knew how, I was still half-committing to being healthy, my finances, this blog and most importantly, getting closer to myself and God.
So as lent approached, I decided I had enough and closed shop. Well, for a little while.
It’s very popular to give up something for lent and usually I give up things I’m not going to miss like vegetables. But when I started thinking about how much Jesus was sacrificing for me during this time thousands of years ago, I knew I had to come harder than that.
I decided to go cold turkey on social media and carbs (breads, rice, pastas, chips, angelic goodness).
Now, I’ve walked away from social media before but never for such a long period of time. (I’m doing this until Easter, so I have a little under two weeks). At the beginning, I literally felt like a drug attic that was being weened off cocaine. All I could think about was everyone’s lives that I was missing out on and not being able to show my accomplishments (which is stupid dumb by the way).
But it’s week four into lent and some life-changing things have been happening all up and through my struggling life. I’m really learning that:
DISCIPLINE IS KING
Discipline has single-handedly been my downfall to greatness. I thought that I couldn’t control the fact that I needed my nap or three hours on Youtube more than getting serious about my goals.
Working out? Eh, maybe tomorrow.
Writing? Well, give me like…25 minutes.
Waking up early as hell? Snooze. SNOOZE AGAIN.
I wanted to be great but I wasn’t willing to put in the work of a winner. And it shows. My blog has been stagnant. My gut was still saying hi to the world. And I won’t even go into how I planned six travel vacations this summer with my credit card debt still trolling.
I had good intentions ya’ll I promise. But this fasting revealed to me that if I kept half-assing my life that my family’s legacy would never have a fighting chance to be more than a late light bill and soul sucking job.
This discipline thing wasn’t even about me. It was about my family. It was about all the people I know I am called to help. I’m cracking down. I promise.
CAN’T NOBODY SPEAK LIFE INTO YOU LIKE YOU CAN
March was an amazing month for me as far as writing goes. I landed huge interviews with people like former-NBA play Baron Davis, Blavity co-founder Morgan DeBaun and a gig with a website I love. But because I have been off social media I couldn’t promote them.
You mean I have to miss out on allll that praise?
Being absent on social has shown me how much I seek approval from others. With my writing, it never felt like I did good enough if no one told me “great job.” Writing these articles without expecting anything back in return is transforming the way I see myself as a writer. I’m more confident in my skill because I think I’m bomb and don’t give AF on who likes it or not.
You have got to become your biggest fan. Period.
There are going to be people who can’t see the talent you bring. People who secretly root for you to fail. Who don’t clap for you when you win. But when you are so secure in your dreams and who God says you are, you won’t waste time trying to prove it to those people.
NORMAL IS WACKITY WACKINGTON
This quiet time in lent hasnmade me accept that I’m called and set apart. And I know you are too because you wouldn’t be on my site or have gotten this far down in my post. (#shoutout for staying with me, you real)
I’ve been fighting so long because I wanted to be normal. I just wanted to have debt, binge on Netflix all day, eat all the pizza I want and buss it open like a stripper without regrets. It’s easy. It’s what everyone is doing.
But that’s not my ministry. (Dangit, God.)
You are struggling to understand yourself because you just don’t quite fit into what society says is normal. And it’s HARD. I am still struggling with feeling alone and the fear of being misunderstood. But I promise that there is no way the normal people can get on this success train with you. Their weight will literally stop the train dead in its tracks.
Embrace your deep desire to be somebody and do something spectacular. My favorite quote ever is “if you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.” That’s happy and free AF.
I can’t wait to share all my struggles and the victories I’ve been busting through. I won’t be on social media for a second but best believe I will be bringing that new HEAT on here.
You got this, we got this.