It’s Valentine’s Day everyone, and I’m happily single AF.
Since the beginning of time (or Hallmark cards) this day has become a dreaded reminder to single people all over the world that their juice has failed again. Envy and a strong case of “I Hate This Holiday” stirs our soul into thinking that we absolutely need what everyone else has.
If anyone knows the struggle of this, it’s me.
I mean it’s already hard enough dealing with singleness in your 20s. Everyone is getting engaged, married and showing off their adorable families. But Valentine’s Day seems like an annual cruel reminder that somehow you weren’t worthy. You got cut from the roster. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
When thinking of being single for Valentine’s Day, today totally reminded me of my first pair of Adidas (stay with me).
I’ve always REALLY wanted Adidas. One day I stumbled into a shoe store and saw a similar style of Adidas for way cheaper. They weren’t the ones that most people wore but you could hardly tell the difference and I mean hello, cheap. Less money. So I bought them.
Excited to wear them, I rushed to open the box, laced them up and left to an outing with friends. I felt so confident and secure when I left but once I started walking in them THEY HURT LIKE HELL.
Like literally burning. I immediately went from loving the mess out of those shoes to hating them with every fiber in me. Disappointed, I knew I had caused this pain on myself. I once again settled for a cheaper version of the real thing.
While it is completely normal to desire to be in a relationship, I have been guilty of sacrificing my peace and standards for a cheaper version of what God wants to bring me.
Like those awful Adidas, I invested in relationships that I was never supposed to be in. Ones that looked great in the box but hurt once I began to walk in it. But this year I decided to stop forcing it and surrender this difficult area to God.
If you have been struggling to stay hopeful in your singleness, here are 8 reasons I’m learning to be happy AF in mine.
Loving Myself Comes First
This is a concept I have struggled with. I thought that if I could just have someone to validate that I was worth it, I could be happy. But through a cycle of hurt and disappointment I discovered that I absolutely had to be whole in myself before I could truly love anyone else.
I learned that all the times I was rejected by others was really God’s way of forcing me to love myself. Not just the good parts but forgiving the times I messed up and the mistakes I made.
I am enough. And there is so much power in knowing that while also waiting in expectation that someone will fight to experience it.
YOU ARE ENOUGH, TOO. From your love of hip hop to the pizza you stuffed your face with yesterday. You were made perfect but can only attract the right person if you love yourself enough to let your light shine.
Other People Are Not Responsible For My Happiness
I read an article that said we abandon ourselves when we start to judge. You know, say things like
- I’m not good enough
- No one will ever love me
- I always mess up
- I’m not attractive enough for anyone
Just like a child feels alone when a parent scolds them, so does our inner child when we talk down to ourselves. As a result, we turn to others to fill that shame.
This could be neediness, blaming others or trying to do everything right for approval. Common side effects are the addiction to attention, sex, complaining, and so much more.
Making others responsible for your happiness will never make you happy. It’s actually unfair. Let them off the hook by doing the inner work first.
You Are What You Attract
This is the most cliche yet true statement I have ever heard. For years I attracted people who were just as broken and unclear about themselves as I was.
In my head I wanted this fine, strong, successful, God-fearing man but in reality I was overweight, unfocused, needy, and a very lukewarm Christian.
Something wasn’t adding up.
It was unfair to demand quality in a man when I wasn’t bringing the same to the table. And even if I had successfully attracted that dream man, I would have been so insecure in the relationship that it wouldn’t have brought peace.
You attract what you believe are not what you want.
Work on yourself so that you flow in the same lane as the person you want to eventually be with. If I’ma attract a baller I got to get in formation (jk. Okay not really).
Ain’t No Biological Clock Bih
Can I have a transparent moment?
When I turned 26 this year I felt…nervous. By this point, half of my Facebook was engaged and it left me questioning if it would ever happen to me.
I am a very career-driven person and I often feel like that intimidates people. This has left me settling, looking at every man I walk by and wondering if he could possible be the one.
But doing it my way never brought peace.
Failed disappointments showed me that the longer I waste time trying to race my biological clock, the further I push it back.
It’s not easy and I have many days that I sulk while listening to SWV but I decided that my time is valuable and sacred. So I’m keeping that ish.
Unavailable Men (Or Women) Will Forever Be A Dead End
This has been my BIGGEST lesson this year by far (in all 50 something days lol).
I have met such great guys along this journey. The problem is that they were emotionally unavailable to give me what I needed and deserved.
But because I saw the potential (Or the fantasy. You know we like to play make-believe), I tried to manipulate someone into being what I wanted.
It ain’t work. And as painful as it was I had to let it go.
Don’t waste your time on people who only put in minimum effort for their convenience. This is literally the foundation of situationships and that is what we don’t have time for. Measure your peace and if that person doesn’t add to it, then they surely don’t deserve to have you.
The Pursuit of Astoness
First things first. You have to stop giving your amazingness to every Ordinary Joe on the street.
I love the analogy of comparing a Honda to an Aston Martin. Both can do the job you need it to but the Aston is what makes you feel like somebody important. I can turn on my TV and see a Honda commercial every ten seconds, begging for us to come buy one. But an Aston Martin? That’s so elite that normal Joes would never try to get one because they know it’s out of their price range. You have to intentionally seek an Aston Martin to find one, and that is how we should be too.
What’s your value price? Many times desperation for attention (that inner child) breeds us to lower our value so that any person can access us.
Stop giving your Aston Martin goodness to Honda drivers. [Read this on settling]Trust that the person of value that you hope for will go out of their way to find you in the luxury lot. Until then, keep adding to your value by seeking wisdom, doing things you love and genuinely being happy alone.
God Knows Me Better than I Know Myself
I can barely pick the toppings on a pizza so why do I think I have the super powers to go find who I will spend the rest of my life with? A JOKE.
In my wait, he is preparing me to not only give love but be able to receive it without those lingering insecurities. My singleness has pushed me to learn commitment, servitude, forgiveness, PATIENCE and kindness. That’s the grace that God continues to show me every single day when I don’t deserve it. That’s what true love is.
I have so much peace in knowing that God has never failed me. Singleness is a hard road but its a journey I am learning to surrender to God. He is what brings the confidence. The happiness. The strength. And I have no doubt that he is going to bring me someone who literally blows me away.
I read this verse a lot when I have my moments:
“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.” – Pslam 27:13
Today I can be happy for all the lovers out there because I have the opportunity to work on myself like never before. Keep fighting for what you deserve and don’t be bitter. Yours is coming too.
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Now excuse me, I have to finish writing my Finding Nemo Vday cards to my coworkers because I’m a literal child.
You got this. We got this.